my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
