Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
