He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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