I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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