Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
