i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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