Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
