drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
