there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
