Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
