So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
