mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize