You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
