i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
