He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
