You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
