I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
