Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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