Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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