I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
