So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
why do cheetos always look like penises
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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