i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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