Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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