before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
