I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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