If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
