If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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