just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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