Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
