3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
