The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
