The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
