I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
