ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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