There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
