he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
