Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize