I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
