are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
