he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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