Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
