Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
