We're facebook friends in real life
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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