I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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