She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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