I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She's the barista slut.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
