i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so let's talk penis.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
