My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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