I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
