I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
