I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
