The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
