Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
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