A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
