Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
